Tipping Point

There were instances when I would have chose to accept the reality of the situations, which most I fully aware that they are consequences of my actions in the past. Still, it sometimes become a burden so painful to bear, especially I found myself being powerless to change it.

I chose to start anew, in a new place, a new culture, and a new self. Knowing the previous me was not emotionally well to handle the burden I put on myself, I adopted a new philosophy of things, which rings like this:

“Accept my limitations, but do well for things you hold dear, because in the end, as long as you have done your part, you will sleep better at night, even when the results are not favorable. Because you are not almighty, and people change only when they wish to.”

It worked. For the least, I feel I can connect more with my patients with that in mind. It was a slow grind, but ultimately, I can feel myself being comfortable in my work, even feeling happy to know my patients eventually find resolution at their own pace.

Once a formidable psychiatrist said to me, that, “when you are being too dedicated, you might not control your temper to those you wish to help. That is not therapeutic.”

That is for work, but in life, I feel that I’m losing ground.

A young man came to my clinic today. He was referred for having depression. Well, it is not a complicated case, rather straightforward actually, that I was able to diagnose him with Major Depression, and had a holistic plan that he quickly agreed to follow through. It was not the illness that bothered me, it was the cause of it.

He shared that he has been away since his teenage years, from his family in pursuit of education. He has adopted life in other side of the country, from finishing his formal education in a boarding school, to his degree in a university, and secured a simple job as a chain storekeeper for 2 years. He did it away from his family which has no background of any form of abuse, alone, in solitude.

But he said he has been sad, since his university years, because he is lonely.

Solitude is one thing I find myself sympathizing with this young man for. When I looked at him, who is aware of his own choice to not tell others of the times he yearns for someone, I can’t help but think, “Why is he torturing himself for doing that?”

“Is it that hard of a question?” My mind quickly challenged itself, “You have done the same, why indeed?”

“Shame, guilt, desire, doubt, jealousy, grief… Name it, you know it best. You pulled through, but it will always be there. When things got heated and the memories come haunting, you will find yours, just like this young man right here.”

It did today, or maybe yesterday, when I couldn’t get myself to sleep on my comfy bed? I have chosen to be here, I liked it, am I? I’m just tired from being alone for too long too, I guess?

I just hope that I can finally hold my loved ones again. I think I am on the verge of my tipping point already, which I am coping with solely by focusing on my job. It seems to be insufficient.

Please, allow me the strength to outlast this damn MCO.