It’s been awhile. While contemplating my options about my future, I read back the novel i wrote for you, hoping to find some clarity, maybe a wisdom that may have been forgotten within my memories of you.
Grandpa, I have always look up to the sky whenever i faced with huge obstacles, may it be my housemanship, my professional exams, or diverting paths life choices, hoping that you are watching over me, granting me that small hope that it will be alright. I’m not a religious person, but for you, i make that exception, because I know, if you are alive, you will answer me by saying the most simple words I need to hear:
“It will be fine.”
“I’m sure you will win.”
“Good boy, you can do this.”
I’m scared, grandpa. I am not as good as you think. I may have taken on something that I am not able to accomplish. Hundreds of miles away from my family, I may have made a decision to test my worth, but at the same time creating more obstacles for my wife and child.
Yes, you have a great grandson now, grandpa. He is alot like you and me. Bad temper, and relentless in asking for our own demands.
Reading back what I have wrote for you, I still can’t get rid of the feeling that I may have not understand you well enough. The things you did, the words you chose, and the way you made your choices. They are not the best choice I know, but did you ever spend time reflecting them? Or are you aware of it but choose to not tell us to spare us from the damage?
Am I a bad person if I chose not to follow my father’s footsteps? Am I doomed to fail if I don’t do so? What if I chose to go a very different path than you or my dad? Will you still be watching and smiling amongst the stars? Proud of your grandson? For my ultimate aim is to ease suffering for whoever walks into my clinic? Despite my own?
Your son is formidable, i would say more, way more than you, or me, should I carry on this trend? Or it’s an illusion casted down by you, your son, towards your grandson?
I’m broken, grandpa. By your choices, by your visions of the world, and by the hopes you left behind in your legacy.
Help me, for I think, that despite your actions, you meant well for everyone, that you chose to endure the sufferings for those you cared. And I, will be the last person to be understood that even will I burn in the depths of hell, I will never stop giving up hope and laughter to the people who come to me for just the wish to be happy again.
You made me smile throughout my childhood, grandpa. I wish to do that for the people of the world.
Watch me from the stars. I will be there when the times comes, and share with you my walk through the world over a glass of beer, which I never got the chance to. I’m not a superstitious man, but I know you are wondering why I did what I do. I just hope you will be patting on my shoulder and tell me again:
“You did the best you could,”
“You have grown well”
“I’m proud of you.”
I miss you, grandpa. I really do.
Dr Vie Cheong Thong M.D. 