Pitting It Against Myself

It’s been a while since I last left a trail of words here.
As the year folds into its final pages, it feels right to write again—
if not for anyone else, then for the future version of myself who might need the reminder.

Eventful feels like too small a word for the past 365 days.
Looking back, I almost want to pat myself on the shoulder and whisper,
You made it. Somehow, you made it.

What happened?
I had believed preparation could shield me—
that diligence, sincerity, and effort would be enough
to steady me in the roles I willingly chose.
Instead, I learned how unfamiliar I could seem to others,
how easily a leader can become a stranger
in the very world that once called their name.

And yes—
I learned how betrayal blooms:
quietly, intricately, masterfully
in the hands of those who crave assurances you can never give.

Loyalty, I discovered, is fragile.
Too fragile when pressed against desire, ego, and restless pride.

This year, I saw actions that cut against everything I believed.
I heard words sharp enough to dull the edges of my soul.
And I spoke—
so many sentences into the void—
yet silence answered back.

Still, I hold on.
Because holding on is the only rope that keeps me from falling into old depths.
Since the day I found my calling, I have lived as educator, healer, soldier—
and strangely, that trinity fits.
Perhaps I was shaped for this work;
perhaps this work shaped me.

I have always looked toward those younger than myself
with admiration and restless hope—
believing they would carry the struggle forward,
becoming more than we ever could be.
That is the rhythm of life:
not a circle, but a wheel—
every turn a step forward.

So yes, betrayal stings.
It stings even when you already expected it.
Being right about human nature offers no comfort—
only confirmation.
Maybe that is the price of seeing people too clearly.

“My teacher once told me that the ability to anticipate intentions
is something you are born with—and it makes a better psychiatrist.”
I think about those words often.
They might be my quote of the year.

the realisation that all i have done,

my work, my discipline, my refusal to bend—
became my own shield just when things collapsed.

And there were others—
quiet guardians, distant yet near—
who understood without explanations,
who guided without demanding anything in return.
I have never been one to justify myself,
for I’ve always believed
that if one moves with conscience and without malice,
the work itself speaks louder than words.

They have been the unseen hands that steadied me.
Mentors of life—
I owe you more than I can express.

I will continue to be myself—
for I learned the cost of forgetting.

Going into the next chapter, I plan to sharpen the blade:

• remind myself time is slipping
• dare myself to fail
• set challenges as adversaries
• and walk forward with those who care

Because it is far too early to stop.
And I never quit on a bad day.